&& don't trust

[aPPY]

[bg=#a7bdc6][atrb=border,0,false][atrb=cellpadding,0,false][atrb=cellspacing,0,false][atrb=width,450,true][th] text "speech" thoughts "other characters' speech" The scent of blood was thick in his nose, but he couldn't smell it. The sounds of the mare fighting back replayed in his mind, over and over. Screaming, begging, then silence. Screaming, begging, and then silence. It was a crude, broken record player. He squeezed his eyes shut, muzzle covered in the sticky, red liquid. He almost wished he could smell it, feel it stick to his skin, feel it dry up. It would be better than the nothing that he felt now. At least if he could feel it all, it would be a punishment of sorts. He needed to be punished. He was bad. He snorted, ears pinning as he pushed himself further against the tree he was next to, hoping to feel some pain. Something, anything. He kicked at himself, his hoof cutting into his stomach and drawing his own blood to mingle with that of his victim. He dropped his head to the ground again, blood coating his forehead and sticking into his mane. He still smelled nothing. He kicked at himself again, this time his hoof catching a rib. He gasped, eyes opening, widened briefly. That was better. Pain. Punishment. He shifted, moving his leg to hit himself again when something came tumbling through the trees behind him. He caught sight of the familiar form and turned away, burying his head into the ground. He supposed he had been wishing for pain and punishment, so what was better than having her see what he had done? For her to realize that he was dangerous and leave him. For her to be afraid of him like she should be. Why not? It was a small price to pay for the life he had taken. Such a small price. Perhaps it would be better that way, for her to know, and for her to leave. He would never trust himself if she stayed. How was he to know if Ember's influence was really gone? And certainly the reflexes that were so ingrained in his mind were still there. How could he trust himself not to do something accidentally? How could he trust himself to not strike out and hurt her..just because he had gotten frightened or spooked? Like he had to Raine that time in the West? How could he? He couldn't. He was a danger to everyone. It just wasn't intentional, not like this kill had been. He would never do this... But he wouldn't be able to help it if he just... slipped. He wouldn't put her in the position to be hurt, so what better way to do that then to have her leave? He couldn't hurt her if she wasn't there. Each step she took towards him, through the trees; each crunch of leaves and branches made him wince. He didn't want to hear the disgust in her voice, the revulsion. She had believed the best of him...and now? She would know that he was not what she wanted him to be. He was a monster. He always knew that. He was raised to kill, raised to be something he shouldn't have been. It was what he had become though. He wasn't safe. He wasn't good. Perhaps Ember had chose the right twin after all. Though, Laelius' words made him shudder. She still didn't see. Why didn't she see? Why did she do this to him? It didn't matter that he had no control. He still did it! He remembered doing it! He remembered ....liking it! How horrible was that?! He choked, gasping as she touched him. How could she bear it? Her skin against his was like hot coals, burning him. It was so wrong! Why didn't she hate him?! It was so backwards! He was bad, a monster! It was definitely not okay! Nothing was okay! "N-no," he whispered, shaking his head as a tear slid down his cheek. How could she be so forgiving? What did she see in him that he, or anyone else, didn't? Why didn't she see what was there?! "Don't." He forced out, squeezing his eyes against the lump in his throat. It was so hard to speak. His heart throbbed in time with his ribs, each sharp breath he took slicing into the soft tissues of the organ. "I'll hurt you," he choked out, twisting his head back to actually look at her. Though, when his eyes met hers, he knew it was a horribly bad idea. He whimpered, his heart ripping and he swore he stopped breathing. "I'm a monster," he said, barely audible, though he knew she could hear him. It was not okay. His eyes were dark with the anguish he was feeling. "I can't..." he whispered, unable to move, or do anything. He was frozen this way. He was destined to be alone, dwelling on the thoughts of his wrongs and mistakes. Laying here, so close to the life he should have lived, but so far away because it had been ripped away from him with now way to retrieve it. He didn't deserve it. It was life's cruel way of laughing at him, dangling happiness in front of his face before taking it away. It only made sense, he guessed. He didn't blame the universe for hating him, or pushing against him. He thought he deserved it too. But that didn't mean it hurt any less. That didn't mean it tore him apart to have to watch her walk away, even if he thought that was the right thing to do. No matter how much he wanted her to stay. He knew that he would never forgive himself if something happened to her, especially by his doing, so he wouldn't let it be a possibility. He couldn't. ==Author's Comments . Word Count 990 . Notes - SO CLOSE TO 1K. dammit. . Muse - ilovekeanu . Tags - laelius<3

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Header by Appy - Coding by Abba

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Do not steal[/center][/color][/td][/tr]
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[paddeh]

Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor... surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me....

He winced with every step she took. Every pad of a hoof being placed down, every soft crunch of the snow. 'N-no,' she heard him whisper, shaking his head. He wouldn't stop. 'Don't. Lia's heart pulled and twisted, stretching as it beat inside her throat. Her eyes stung, prickling with tears but she pushed them away, her steps faltering slightly. 'I'll hurt you.' He said, his voice low as he turned to look at her. He whimpered, his body looked as if it was going to break. Fall into a million pieces. 'I'm a monster… I can't…' he whispered, as he looked frozen. His body wasn't shaking anymore. His eyes seemed clouded with emotion. It was making her heart wrench. Seeing him like this, he was torturing himself. He broke free of whatever had taken over him, but the guilt was something you have to lose on your own. She couldn't take away his memories. His thoughts….

Lia was fighting back the tears. The temperature was dropping with the winter weather but it was inevitable. Even though she should be shivering her britches off, she didn't feel one thing. Didn't see the large flakes swirl and blow around them, a nice winter dance. Her body didn't feel the cold push at her skin. Her mind blocked it off. She was only focused on one thing, and one thing only. One thing she desperately wanted, and she had just recently figured that out. She wanted Keanu, she needed Keanu. Ever since she had met him last winter, gone through disaster after disaster with him, and miraculously survived, she felt bonded to him. She felt as if she couldn't choose anyone else. That Keanu was special for her. But did he know this? Did he feel the same way as she did? He said he had loved her… but did he mean it? Why did he keep running from her?

"Keanu." His name escaped her lips, a slight whisper. It was as if she didn't say it, some other part of her did. She wanted to spill her thoughts, to confess her complete feelings for him, but she found herself frozen. Her maw opened in the slightest, she wanted to. But, she just couldn't. Was it even worth trying anymore? He didn't believe her, why couldn't he? He kept denying things, over and over again. He told himself he was a monster, but he wasn't! Why was he doing this to himself?

A large rush of adrenaline suddenly ran through her blood, pushing her figure up. "Stop. Just, just stop, Keanu. You are not a monster." A surge of anger ran through her, her eyes flashing dangerously close to red before slowly fading back to a dull green. "Keanu…" Lia's voice got remotely softer, pleading almost. "Please, Keanu, believe me. You aren't a monster. You had no control of what you did. It wasn't you. You won't hurt me." Lia turned, her steps faltering as she tried to move forward. "I trust you. I know you won't hurt me." Confidence pulsed through her voice. She inhaled deeply, closing her eyes. Darkness, solitude. If he didn't believe her what would she do? Was it a sign she would never be loved? That she would be alone her whole life? She found herself stepping forward, her eyes still closed. Blindly she walked, though she was confident. She dropped her head, fighting the tears as she slowly opened them, and they were blazing full on emerald green, sparkling and it seemed as if they could glow. She stared into Keanu's eyes, tears brimming and threatening to spill over onto her slender head. She could speak no words of how she felt. All this emotion was pilling up inside of her, overfilling and spilling at the edges. She couldn't contain it. It was going to explode inside her. It swayed and splashed at the edges, and as much as she wanted to confess to him, as much as she wanted him to know what she felt like when she was around him, words couldn't explain what she felt for him. Her bottom lip quivered, her eyes wavering as the tears finally spilled over, splashing down her face as a large sob escaped her throat.

All of the sudden, Lia couldn't take it anymore. Her whole body shook tremors with the sobbing that echoed throughout her body. This emotion and stress was too much for her, too much for the plain horse who never had any friends, who strayed alone since a mere filly. She had never dealt with anything like this, and her heart had been over used, over stretched, pulled this way and that, thinking this might happen, only for it to be just outside her grasp, slipping through her fingers. And she couldn't control it. It was too much for her, and so she broke down. The sobs only grew louder as she collapsed to the ground, her heart pulled in pieces. Why couldn't Keanu believe her? Why did he keep running? Her body lay against the cold snow and she curled up, trying to calm herself, but the sobs broke through her lips. She shook, helpless, was she alone? Would Keanu stay or would he run again? After seeing her like this, acting like a child, acting like someone who couldn't deal with anything, she doubted he would stay. She wasn't the type who could hold all this in. And all this emotion throughout her life was now spilling out, overfilled and pushed and pulled every which way. Her body shook as whimpers filled the spaces in-between sobs. Why couldn't her life be easy? Be simple? It seemed like it was for everyone else. Why did the world hate her? What had she done? And now here she lay, sobbing and shaking on the ground. She was a baby, she couldn't handle anything. Was Keanu even still there? Or had he took off again, Lia knew if he ran off the chance of seeing him again was literally nothing. Even if she did, wouldn't he just run again? Oh, here comes the child, who can't deal with anything. Had he tricked her, just to torture her? Why had she fallen for him, as he only kept running, running, running.


OOC: Well. This was depressing to write. Over 1k. So much muse, my poor baby though D:

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[aPPY]

[bg=#a7bdc6][atrb=border,0,false][atrb=cellpadding,0,false][atrb=cellspacing,0,false][atrb=width,450,true][th] text "speech" thoughts "other characters' speech" She said his name and he froze, staring at her. She seemed to be frozen too, almost as if she wanted to say more. He waited, quietly, unmoving. Why did she stay here? What did she see in him that was so great that it overpowered everything bad? It didn't make any sense! She was impossible! Blind! Couldn't she see that he was trying to save her?! If she kept doing this he wouldn't be able to keep telling her to go. She shot up then, a sort of confidence coming over her. He almost jumped back, afraid that she would strike out at him. Maybe he deserved that. Though, he didn't think it would make anything better. She didn't lash out at him though. Not physically, anyway. There she went again, saying he wasn't a monster. If he wasn't, what was? What was the definition of monster if it was not him? Why couldn't she just understand? See what was in front of her?! Her eyes flashed, a darker red color fading up through the green before it dissipated again. He blinked. Why was she so angry with him? Because he kept pointing out the truth? Because she just wouldn't see it? Refused to, even? It even made him a smidge angry with her! She was so frustrating! Why wouldn't she just listen?! She said his name again and his eyes swung to meet hers, the small amount of anger fading away with the tone in her voice. Then she started on again, trying to convince him that he was somehow good. He wasn't. He started to shake his head. It didn't matter that he had no control. He still did it. It was still him..somehow. Who's to say that it would never happen again? How could he ever trust himself to be around anyone else when these things could happen? The influence of Ember may feel and seem like it was gone, but what if she wasn't? What if as son as she entered his nightmares again, everything went back to the same way as before? How could he possibly trust himself not to hurt the people he cared about? How could she know that he wouldn't hurt her? She turned, walking towards him. How could she trust him if he couldn't even trust himself?! How could she possibly have so much faith in him when he had never done anything to deserve it? It was frightening. Her eyes fluttered shut, though she continued to step toward him, following a path she didn't need to see. She stopped in front of him, eyes peeking open; a deep green. She lifted them to meet his own, tears flooding along her lids. He sucked in a breath, unable to look away. It didn't matter what he did. He still hurt her, even when he was trying to desperately to save her. He had never realized that all of this had been worse than any physical blow he could have thrown. What was he supposed to do? The tears finally flowed over and down her face, a sob fighting it's way through her throat. Keanu winced. Why was it that no matter what he did, he was always hurting others? Laelius started crying, her body rocking with the sobs. He moved to take his own step toward her, though she fell to her knees. It was like he couldn't breathe. He was right there, next to her, and he couldn't do anything to help her. All he ever did was hurt her. Why was she making him do this to her? Despite it all, he couldn't find it in himself to take the opportunity in front of him. He could very well leave, disappear, and never have to worry about her again. Looking down at her, he knew that she wouldn't follow again. It made him ache to see her in such a state. All because of why? Because he saw himself for what he really was? The Keanu that she refused to see, refused to believe was there? He took a slow step forward, his hooves sliding across the mud and snow. "Laelius..." he whispered softly, gently touching his muzzle to her trembling neck. He sighed slowly, his breath hot against her chilled skin. He had a fleeting thought that perhaps it would just be better if he forced himself to leave right now, before he let himself think that maybe it would be okay. But he couldn't do it. He sighed again, eyes squeezing shut. What was he supposed to do? ==Author's Comments . Word Count 787 . Notes - blah i dont feel like doing 1k back and forth. sorry. and i really don't have the time to do it right now. . Muse - decent . Tags - laelius

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Header by Appy - Coding by Abba

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Do not steal[/center][/color][/td][/tr]
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